Preparing to die at Bean Hollow

I feel you Adam.  If you're itching to hit Bean, I'll spring for a boat ride for you.  You can be back OTW at the scene of the incident, and know that you WILL make it back in one piece.  That way, it'll sever the association between near-death and getting salty in San Mateo.

I don't launch Bean anymore.  Stopped after 6MHz Greg moved to Iowa, and that was his fav launch.  Now, I much prefer driving to Sur with Eric, where the whales play with us instead

Your community is here for you Adam.
the below is strictly me talking, and in no way relates to anyone elses experience:

 It was a huge trial for me to go back to it after I saw what I saw, and every sea lion that punks me brings it all back, the feeling of "get the F off the water now!!!!!"

It changed my whole outlook, but maybe it wasn't all bad. maybe my outlook needed to be changed. If I fish solo,  I do it much more conservatively. I got extra flotation, and began bringing a spare paddle. I think about what the bottom looks like, and how that may effect fish movement (by fish I mean sharks). The constant thoughts have now become less about fear and more about how I fit into the grand scheme of the sea, which has been a relief.

I think about what I might do in many imagined scenarios, and I'm constantly thinking that I am unprepared.

But in the end, the fish dictates everything in every scenario, so you can never be so prepared that any interaction won't result in primal fear, PTSD, etc. No one would just shrug it off.
For me it comes down to staying grounded, and finding ways to enjoy my water time that minimize the jolts of "freak out". But the jolts will still happen, and it takes time to deal with them. I've accepted that those reactions are just part of my water experiences now.
 It is their water, I'm just visiting it.

Besides I dont have a "Red" Kayak or has any "Paint" underneath

i know you are a comedian, but there is NOTHING FUNNY or anything to laugh about here.
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Dude, You cheated death and definitely not a laughable matter, I am trying to cheer you up my buddy, I bet if I am on the same situation you had, I will pray to all saints even the one I never heard of..You know your my hero..and theres no way in hell making fun of you at all..I try view things in funny way that way I wont be psyche when I'm fishing there.. I tell stories bout you and Dan all the time..and all I hear is I'm nuts to go out there then again we are all nuts to begin with... that said when are we going again?

thanks for listening and understanding......i dont know what is gonna help me, but knowing you guys will listen and have my back makes me feel good and fuzzy inside.

Don~ this is helping me tremendously, even though it's painfull and it's all i can do to keep from balling like a lil'baby.

Sean~ i should have never told you guys to stay out there that day and hit it with your paddle if it should show itself again.....how stupid was i?! please forgive my ignorance. I read your latest reply and it makes PERFECT SENSE to me.....and it is what i will be telling myself over&over&over.
FORiAMjustVISITINGforTHEday.


typed from my cube at work, when I should be working instead of NCKAing

Besides I dont have a "Red" Kayak or has any "Paint" underneath

i know you are a comedian, but there is NOTHING FUNNY or anything to laugh about here.

Dude, You cheated death and definitely not a laughable matter, I am trying to cheer you up my buddy, I bet if I am on the same situation you had, I will pray to all saints even the one I never heard of..You know your my hero..and theres no way in hell making fun of you at all..I try view things in funny way that way I wont be psyche when I'm fishing there.. I tell stories bout you and Dan all the time..and all I hear is I'm nuts to go out there then again we are all nuts to begin with... that said when are we going again?
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i hear you Darius.....and respect your view. I just wanted to let you and others know i'm not laughing right now. When I do, we can all laugh together(but when i stop, you have to stop too)  we got a deal?

we got a deal?

DEAL I STOP

we got a deal?

DEAL I STOP

thanks buddy....we'll laugh at something else together soon.

I like what is being said here.  Sean's words are strong reminders for any of us who find ourselves obsessed with getting OTW.

maybe my outlook needed to be changed

Whatever happens to any of us, I think it's best to view the world with a forward-thinking, positive, half-full type of lens. 

Adam's doing that here - well done, Brother Adam.   

What I find very fascinating (picture Spock on a yak   ) is that Adam has always operated with an M.O. that isn't all wrapped up in competition and conquest like so many of the rest of us seem to get drawn into (speaking of myself and anyone who currently obsesses over catching giant crappie and perch from their yak...).  Adam has approached the sport with camaraderie and sheer enjoyment as his goals, and he's achieved those PLUS caught some beautiful fish.  So what's his focus now?  How can I empathize with this man who I know and care about?  What is it about his current communication that I should take away for myself?  Because, surely, he doesn't owe any of us this current choice to be seen as vulnerable and hurt.  I think the growth that Adam's pursuing here is admirable, but I know that his choice to share himself and his pain as well as his deep desire to be whole again has to do with the Community and Brotherhood here.  I'm glad for that.  Thank you, Adam.   

Kick its ass, Adam, but don't put yourself in a place where you have anything to prove - you don't!

I like what is being said here.  Sean's words are strong reminders for any of us who find ourselves obsessed with getting OTW.

maybe my outlook needed to be changed

Whatever happens to any of us, I think it's best to view the world with a forward-thinking, positive, half-full type of lens. 

Adam's doing that here - well done, Brother Adam.   

What I find very fascinating (picture Spock on a yak   ) is that Adam has always operated with an M.O. that isn't all wrapped up in competition and conquest like so many of the rest of us seem to get drawn into (speaking of myself and anyone who currently obsesses over catching giant crappie and perch from their yak...).  Adam has approached the sport with camaraderie and sheer enjoyment as his goals, and he's achieved those PLUS caught some beautiful fish.  So what's his focus now?  How can I empathize with this man who I know and care about?  What is it about his current communication that I should take away for myself?  Because, surely, he doesn't owe any of us this current choice to be seen as vulnerable and hurt.  I think the growth that Adam's pursuing here is admirable, but I know that his choice to share himself and his pain as well as his deep desire to be whole again has to do with the Community and Brotherhood here.  I'm glad for that.  Thank you, Adam.   

Kick its ass, Adam, but don't put yourself in a place where you have anything to prove - you don't!

Well pointed Eric!!

Adam has approached the sport with camaraderie and sheer enjoyment as his goals

That's what it's all about, and why it's been an honor paddling with you, Adam...  the above sentiment is apparent at all times.

Adam,

I truly appreciate you bearing your soul for all of us to learn and share from your experience. I have always looked up to you on the board and have respected you from afar since we have only met once and have not fished together. My brother Gabe and I were hoping to fish with you last year at the Bean and were on the radio with you the day Ben got a drive by. I truly am sorry this happened to you but I think we are all better for it because you are so willing to share your experience…thanks for that!

I hope to fish with you one of these days and I will definitely make calculated risks when entering the ocean!

Take care,
Ray

thank you very much fellas......it means soooooooooo much to know i got some real_friends here, weather we've only met once, twice or three times, or never. It feels like FAMILY and i need that in a way you guys could never imagine.

THANK YOU !!!!!     

This is a great thread. Distance has made the choice for me, but if I still lived nearby I don't know that I could resist the Bean. It's my happy place.
Still, I have had one experience there where I didn't see anything, didn't get bumped, basically nothing happened, but I got the willies and couldn't shake the feeling I was being watched. After Dan and Adam's experience I wonder if I didn't have a 6th sense trying to tell me something.

Adam, know that Theresa and I are glad you made it through that day. I gotta imagine it's still tough. Take care of yourself and get help if you think you can use it.
We hope to see you at Albion this year! 

Fresh water therapy? Come up and hang in Wiemar!  Yah, sounds boring but... Rollins lake, folsom, collins, bullards bar, 15 some other lakes and rivers within 25-30 min. Stay a day. Hell stay a week! VW westy at your disposal any time, fire pit too. Been where you are (1983) still feelin it! Several guys in NCKA up this way to hang with and fish or just float....

Very cool thread.  I have never fished the Bean before and I've always wanted to... and now I'm doubling back on that thought, plus mostly everyone in here seem like they don't want to again or at least re-locate for a while.  When we get on/ in the water we are in their territory, no question asked.  We run these and such risks everytime we get on our yaks.  But like Darius said, in quite simple form, in a blink of an eye and at any moment you're done.  I have stared death many times over coming from Iraq and Afghanistan and even here on my homeshore within my favorite sport -of course we do know the things we are getting into and must realize the consequences but keeping our heads on a swivel and being prepared help to keep these consequences at bay.  Again, very nice thread Adam.   

DOOD! I had no idea that it was hittin you this hard= YOU HIDE IT WELL!!! I wish there was something i could say or do but I know it wont fade the memory!! Im sorry that you are reliving this and that YOUR SPOT GOT TAKEN FROM YOU!  Im glad you can talk openly about it, and WE WILL get you through it, start saving gas money buddy, look like we're headed NORTH FOR BIG LINGS!!